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Sexcula

Released, or possibly escaped in 1974, I first heard of this movie on Twitter, or X, or whatever Elon wants to call it now. It sounded just weird enough to be worth ordering the DVD from Amazon, which has a policy of not selling hardcore material, but frequently does so anyway. This is one of those instances.

The plot is a wee bit confusing, and there’s no real effort to observe some of the usual conventions, such as avoiding obvious anachronism. According to the diary read early in the film, much of the action takes place in 1869, a period in which many people were so forward thinking that they wore mid-1970s clothing.

It appears that the lady scientist, Dr. Fellatingstein (Jamie Orlando), has built a man, Frank (John Alexander), but she’s having problems with him. He’s perfect, but he can’t get it up and, apparently, isn’t even sure why he’d want to. Sex, it appears, isn’t instinctual in the monsters created by mad scientists in Canadian porn films. As horror movie monsters go, Frank is not only quite attractive, but almost entirely sympathetic.

Fellatingstein calls in her niece, Countess Sexcula, who is described as an expert on human sexuality. Essentially, she’s a hooker who also happens to be a vampire with a penchant for getting her nutrition from another blood source than her victim’s neck. She’s also very modern for 1869, and even has a bedside telephone eight years before Bell got his patent (I told you this film isn’t very concerned with historical accuracy). When her aunt calls for help, Sexcula (Debbie Collins), is busy fucking.

This early scene makes use of some artistic lighting. While Sexcula starts the scene sucking the guy’s cock, once they get to the fucking hard shadows obscure the action, and certain positions suggest that unless the guy has a cock twice as big as John Holmes (which we already know he doesn’t), nothing is really happening.

Fellatingstein has also created a sort-of woman, Benchtest (Marie McLeod), though more an automaton with a beautiful body than a real, live girl. She knows everything there is to know about the mechanics of sex, but has no emotions. Fellatingstein’s version of Igor, a fat pile of horny asshole named Orgie (Tom Lowery), keeps trying to fuck Benchtest, who spends most of her time naked and lying on a lab table. This being 1974, nobody is shaving yet.

There’s also a gorilla, confined to a cage in Fellatingstein’s lab, though he seems to be able to get out whenever he feels like it. In one scene, the gorilla rapes a stripper, then the stripper rapes the gorilla, then they murder each other, and it all ends with them hopping up and taking a bow. And we thought Damiano used to come up with some weird shit.

Sexcula thinks that a transfusion of pure sexual energy, gained through her sex-vampire talents, may be what Frank needs to get it up. Where does one find a source for this? Why, obviously, on the set of a porn movie. This is the most prolonged sex scene, and certainly the most explicit and well-lit. It’s a wedding, where the bride (Toni Parllee) is sucking off the groom (Ron Solo) while the preacher (Bill Oleander) is still stumbling his way through the preliminaries.

Meanwhile, the bridesmaid (Mary Lang), and the best man (Paul Lamont), can hardly wait to get in on the action. The bride, it must be noted, seems a remarkably generous young lady, and once she’s finished with her new husband she takes on the best man and, in the morning, the preacher, who’s come back to the chapel wondering why these naked people are still there. You also get a brief view of the film crew before the lights go out and Sexcula pops in in the darkness to collect her specimens.

How she got from a 1970s film set back to 1869 is never explained. Really, just forget about chronology with this movie, because the writer, David F. Hurry, clearly wasn’t paying any attention to it.  

Framing this, there’s a contemporary story about Sexcula’s grand-daughter and her boyfriend reading Sexcula’s diary while the girl, also played by Debbie Collins, lies naked on a blanket in the middle of an open field listening to her boyfriend read from the diary. He doesn’t seem any more interested in sex than Frank, though he can apparently get it up even if he only wants to be a passive participant.

What can I say about this film? It’s interesting, and the “wedding” is typical of 1970s porn, with everyone “natural,” and everyone at least appearing to be having a good time. Does any of it make sense? Not in the least. It’s the sort of porn that was intended to be shown in a theatre, not on home video, but apparently never was. The current Impulse Pictures DVD release of the Frog Productions film is evidently the first time the picture has been properly circulated, though the DVD does include a theatrical trailer, so it’s obvious it was intended to be released even if that didn’t happen. The source, according to liner notes by Dimitrios Otis included with the DVD, was an archive print in the Canadian Archives filed with the copyright application.

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86 minutes. Not rated. Directed by: Bob Hollowich

Buy from Amazon.com: DVD

Dr. Fellatingstein, resting after a frustrating attempt to get Frank’s cock to stand up and pay attention.

Sexcula, enjoying a favorite pastime before the phone summons her to her aunt’s lab.

The Bride, going down on her new husband, though at this point they’re not quite to the “I do” part of the ceremony.

The wedding party, still going at it, with part of the film crew getting into the picture. Sexcula is going to strike in a few moments.

Meanwhile, back in 1974, Sexcula’s grand-daughter is having some trouble getting her boyfriend’s attention focused where it should be instead of on her grandmother’s diary.

Frank, undergoing hypnotherapy by Sexcula in an effort to cure his impotence. As mad scientists’ creations go, I really can’t find many faults with this one, other than the limp prick and the recognition that this guy is probably in his late 70s or early 80s by now. That’s an issue with most vintage porn. It’s a sort of time capsule in which retirees are recalled in all their former hotness.

Not to be outdone by the bride, the bridesmaid and best man decide to get in on the action. It’s this sort of sexual energy that Sexcula will harvest to help Frank with his problem.