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Diana and the Devious Dong

© 2024, Lauren Milfinger. All rights reserved.

Diana Davis woke up on Friday morning to discover that, sometime during the night, she had turned into a man. This made no sense whatsoever, because she felt just as womanly as she always had, but when she stumbled out of bed and walked into the bathroom, she couldn’t help noticing that her panties felt unusually tight. Nor could she help noticing, when she pulled them down, that a rather substantial cock had somehow attached itself to her groin. “Now, where the hell did you come from?” she asked the cock, lifting it up and noticing that it was not only large, but rather oddly shaped.


“I’m not really what you think I am,” the cock answered, in a thin, oddly accented voice.


“You’re not?”

“No, I’m not.”

At this pronouncement, Diana paused. Really, she thought, what the fuck is going on here? After all, men might personify their cocks, and even give them names, and she had no doubt they talked to them as well, but she’d never heard of one answering back. Of course, she’d never heard of a cock attaching itself to a woman before, either. Not a real one. She was sure that strap-ons didn’t count, and those never talked no matter what you did to them.

“You shouldn’t be talking,” Diana said, sitting down on the toilet. Talking dick or not, she still had to pee. “Cocks aren’t supposed to talk. They’re not supposed to be attached to women, either. Not without some sort of surgery being involved, anyway. I mean, you can turn a man into a woman if that’s what they want, and maybe leave the cock, or you can make one for a woman who wants to be a man, but not like this. Women aren’t supposed to wake up and just suddenly find a cock attached to them when it wasn’t there the night before.”

“I’m not a cock. I’m a Sardonian symbiont.”

“A what?”

“I’m an individual being myself, but we Sardonians lack some basic things that other beings have, such as mouths.”

“You seem to be pretty talkative for not having a mouth.”

“We can talk. What we can’t do is eat. We must be attached to another being for nourishment, and since we happen to look like human penises, well, we generally attach ourselves to humans in that area.”

“Shouldn’t you be attached to a man, then? Or are all dicks Sardonians?”

“Men already have them. No, we prefer women. There’s room to attach, for one thing.”

“You get food. What do I get out of this?”

“Didn’t you ever watch Star Trek? You get an entire new set of memories and a very old, very wise advisor.”

By this time, Diana had noticed that the Sardonian had attached itself just above her pussy, so it wasn’t blocking anything as she emptied her bladder. The talking dick had reared up quite dramatically as she was sitting down and was now resting on the front of the toilet seat.

“Are you attached to me forever now?” Diana asked. She had watched Star Trek, and that seemed to be how symbionts worked.


“No, I can pop off any time. I’ll look like I’m permanently attached, like I’m growing out of you, but I’m really not.”

“I suppose that’s comforting.”

“I can be very useful.”

“Really? How?”

“Well, you can jerk me off and we’ll both get off.”

“So, what’s that mean? I’m supposed to get you off and you’ll pass along the feeling? Something like that?”

“Exactly like that. And, of course, I can fuck you. Or you can fuck yourself with me. As long as we’re touching, you’ll feel it. Why, just think, you can get yourself off twice at the same time.”

By this time, Diana was running a bath. She had a free-standing tub, as well as a shower stall, and she always showered first, then soaked in the hot water for a while after.


“I don’t have to worry about drowning you while I’m showering or soaking, do I?” she asked.

“No. As long as you keep my head above the surface of the water, I’ll be fine. Just don’t wash my head with soap. It’s unpleasant and tastes terrible.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” She was starting to grow attached to the Sardonian. Well, she was already attached to the thing, but it was starting to feel like it really was a part of her, like it knew things, could teach them to her, and that one of those things was a deep knowledge of sex and all its myriad pleasures. There seemed to be something about astral navigation, too, but she didn’t think that was going to be that useful to someone who spent her days fussing over other people’s taxes.

Diana always wrapped her hair up in a shower cap unless she was shampooing it, which she did only once a week. This wasn’t one of those days. She’d let the long, flowing red locks down before she got into the tub. An advantage of the free-standing tub was that she could lie back in it and let her hair hang down outside, where it wouldn’t get wet.

Now she had something else in mind as she stepped into the tub and lowered herself into the hot water. She’d jerked off a man before. More than once, really. But this time she was going to jerk herself off, or, really, jerk off the sentient dick that had attached itself to her, and whose sensations she could feel.

“Do you have a name?” she asked. It seemed polite to ask, considering what she was going to do to the little guy once she was settled into the tub.

“I’m called Irving,” it said.


“Really.” There was a long pause. “Well, honestly, my name is Irgavnivoliopagafnisavask, but Irving is going to be a lot more convenient for you.”


No shit, Diana thought. As she wrapped her fingers around the Sardonian, which she was now thinking of as her cock, a feeling of contentment seemed to spread through her body. She hadn’t noticed this when she first woke up, probably because the idea of suddenly growing a large male appendage while she slept was disturbing in a very basic way, but now the same touch that had first frightened and upset her was a source of pleasure.


Very slowly, she let her fingers glide up and down along the rapidly hardening shaft. Irving sighed contentedly, and that contented feeling passed through the connection at her crotch, and she shivered with pleasure. Not only did she feel the stimulation in her new cock, but her clit was tingling as well, as if an absolute expert was strenuously licking it.

“Oh, yes, keep that up,” Irving moaned. “Keep stroking me, my love.”

Yes, Diana thought, that’s exactly right. I love this feeling, this adopted appendage quivering in my hand.

She soon learned to vary her stroke, sometimes speeding up, or slowing down, her hand gliding the full length of the turgid shaft, or concentrating on the sensitive head, stroking and squeezing, discovering what gave the greatest pleasure. It was the first time she had not only stroked a magnificent cock but could also feel what her partner felt. With each stroke, she could feel the tension building up, the need for release.


Yet she also recognized the need to proceed slowly, to ease off as the tension built almost to a peak, so that the next peak would be even higher, more intense. She realized that two minds were at work in this, her own and Irving’s, and that both were intent on extracting the maximum amount of sexual pleasure from the experience.


Her clit, which seemed to be directly connected to the symbiont, was tingling with ecstasy, and she knew the sexual juices were pouring out of her pussy into the hot water that filled the bathtub. Part of her wanted to thrust a finger deep into her cunt, yet all of her attention was focusing on Irving, wanting to feel the experience of his cumming spilling over into her own libidinous cravings, sending her reeling in ecstasy while the hot, precious jizz fountained from his head. From his mouth? He talked through what would be the pee-hole in a man, after all, and she presumed that was also whence he came.

She knew he couldn’t last much longer.

Diana was stroking more quickly now, feeling the hot skin moving against the rigid flesh within, feeling the passion rising to the point of no return. Irving was beginning to throb, to pulse in her hand, to grow even more rigid, to grow longer, to where she thought she could almost press her lips against his head and feel him cum into her mouth. A few inches longer, she thought, and I could suck him. Suck myself? Is he me now, and I’m part of him? Is this permanent?

At last, there was no more thinking, no more urgent contemplation or philosophical musings as she jerked the symbiont in all his cockish magnificence.


“Wow!” Irving shouted, and then a stream of white cum spurted from his crown, splashing down over Diana’s hand and dripping down his hard shaft and into the water.

Diana herself could hardly move. Very slowly, she lifted her right hand to her mouth and tentatively touched her tongue to the jizz that coated it. She had never been sure of her thoughts on the taste, but Irving’s was absolutely delicious. She knew she’d want more.

“That,” she said, “was wild. I think I’m still cumming. My pussy feels like it’s been fucked for hours, and I haven’t even put anything in there.”

Irving made a sputtering sound, more of his delicious cum being pushed out as he cleared his throat. Or whatever it was he was clearing. Diana guessed that it was difficult to talk with his ejaculate clogging things up.

“It’s a great feeling,” the symbiont said. “Let me stay and it will get even better with experience.”

“Oh, for sure,” Diana said. “But I’m not sure how I’m going to explain you to people. I never had a cock before, and you’re sure to make something of a bulge. Especially if you start getting hard when I’m at work, or out in public.”

“Not a problem. Like I told you, I’m not permanently attached. If you’re going somewhere that you think people will notice, well, you can just leave me here. I make a rather unique houseplant in the right setting. How do you think I got here in the first place? It was your friend, Julie, who left me here for you.”

“Julie did?”

“My planet is a very long way from here. Something like forty light years. My friends had visited this planet before and told me it was a great place for adventure, so I decided to move here and see if I could find a companion. They dropped me off at a place called Ollie Grubshank’s Adults Only Nudist Resort and Sports Bar, where it was easy enough for me to pose as an exotic plant near one of the paths through the wooded area. Your friend found me there, thought I looked interesting in my subtly phallic way and brought me to her home.”

“Why did she give you to me?” Diana asked. That didn’t seem like Julie, whose sexual exploits made Diana look like the Mother Superior at Our Lady of Perpetually Frigid Chastity. She’d been at Diana’s apartment the previous evening, enjoying the usual bingeing of British detective television and energetic pussy lapping and dildo dueling. It was difficult to imagine Julie finding Irving and declining to keep him around.

“Oh, she was enthusiastic enough when she just thought of me as an interesting plant, but she wasn’t ready for a ‘talking dildo.’ Not everyone is, you know? And while it might be fun to just have her sliding me in and out of her cunt, it’s so much better for both with a full joining such as we enjoyed today.”

Diana laughed. “She’ll never know what she’s missing.”

While they conversed, Diana got out of the tub, dried off, and started dressing. There was a bit of a problem when she went to pull on her panties, which obviously were not made to accommodate the added bulk of the symbiont. This could be a problem, she thought.

“Not really, Irving thought, which Diana heard in her own mind as clearly as if the words had been spoken aloud.

“So, do I take you off now?”

“I’d rather you got me off now. How about a nice blow job?”

“Not a bad idea,” Diana thought. “What do I do, detach you and put you on the table or something?”

“Not necessary,” Irving thought, giving an audible grunt and suddenly growing longer until his head was well within reach of Diana’s eager lips.

“Holy shit!” Diana gulped. “I’m not sure I can even get that monster into my mouth.”

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” Irving replied.

“I may have to call out of work today, Diana thought.

She heard the symbiont’s voice inside her head again. “No, you don’t need to do that. Just a quick blow job and you can get dressed and go in.”

She smiled at the thought, wondering if she should leave Irving at home, or let him go to work with her. Who could say? He might have some insights that would be useful in her job.

Sticking out her tongue, she pulled the enormous prick closer and began to lick around the swollen corona. It wasn’t exactly like a human cock, she decided, but it was close enough. She opened her lips and took the tip into her mouth. It was all she could accommodate, as Irving had grown so thick as he stretched himself to nearly two feet in length.

Not that it seemed to matter. The feel of her lips moving up and down on the two or so inches of the head she could stuff into her mouth was astonishing. She could feel the stiff member in her mouth, but she could also feel her lips on the head. I’m blowing myself, she thought, barely suppressing a delighted giggle at the thought of such an absurd idea.

Irving didn’t say or think anything, but he quivered and thrust himself a little more firmly between her lips. Between her tongue and her soft, sensuous lips, it took only a few minutes. Then he was spurting a massive load into Diana’s eager mouth.


Once again, she thought that it wasn’t really cum, exactly. Almost, but sweeter and less pungent. Not that she cared. It was delicious, and she knew for sure now that she would be wanting more and wanting it often. Unless Irving turned out to be some sort of alien asshole, she decided, he had a home now.

Diana was a few minutes late getting to work that morning. She had originally thought about leaving the symbiont at home, but when she discovered he could shrink himself down almost as efficiently as he could expand himself, she decided to leave him attached. Even the sharpest look at the mirror failed to reveal any tell-tale bulge at the crotch of her skirt. Irving had moved the bulk of his shortened and slimmed-down self over her pussy, where he wouldn’t show.

 “You’re running late,” her boss said. Margot was a stickler for punctuality, and usually arrived about fifteen minutes early.

“I know. Something came up and I had to take care of it, so I was late getting out of my place.”

Irving apparently found this amusing, for the sound of his laughter was coursing through Diana’s brain. He apparently also found it stimulating. He wasn’t getting any bigger, but he was moving across her clit in a very erotic way.


“Are you feeling okay?” Margot asked.

“Fine,” Diana said, heading for her desk and the usual stack of paperwork. “Behave yourself,” she thought. “This is basically public here.”

“I’ll try, Irving replied. “But I do love the scent of your pussy.”

“Later, Irving, later.”

Diana sat down at her desk and picked up a file folder.

She thought it might be best if she left Irving at home in the future, because he didn’t appear to be paying attention to her admonition. She could feel him moving around her crotch inside her panties. He was bending around, pressing his head against the portals of her cunt, which was already becoming wet.

Oh, God, not here, she thought.

Irving didn’t seem to be listening. He slid easily into her pussy and began to slide in and out. No one could see what was happening under her skirt, which was in any case hidden by her desk, but Diana could certainly feel it.

At home, the double intensity of the symbiont cumming at the same time she did, allowing her to feel the full power of both orgasms, had been a wonderful experience. She had her doubts that it would be the same in an office, with any number of people within earshot. Diana tended to be a noisy cummer, and she wasn’t sure she could remain silent, or that she could keep her body from reacting physically to the power of that double cum.

Her clit was throbbing, both from the friction of the symbiont’s phallic body moving across it as he penetrated her cunt, and from the additional stimulus as she felt the sexual tension building up in Irving. They were both going to cum, and it was going to happen very soon.

At that moment, the switch tripped, Irving shooting a load of his sweet cum deep into her pussy, and her whole body convulsing with the most powerful orgasm she could ever remember having. She shot up out of her chair, somehow managing not to cry out, but she was sure anyone watching her would be able to recognize what had happened.

Pull yourself together, she thought. As calmly as she could, she picked up her purse and walked slowly, and a bit unsteadily, to the restroom and entered a stall, closing the door behind her.

The company had European owners, so the stalls were individual little rooms, with full doors. The doors had louvers in them, but they were angled so that no one could see through them or, if they really made the effort, could see nothing but the ceiling.


She hung her purse on the hook on the door, then hitched up her skirt and pulled down her panties. She found that nothing had leaked out. Reverting to his more gentlemanly mode, Irving had effectively turned himself into a plug, keeping his cum inside her. If he’d been human, that might have worried her, but she didn’t think an alien cock-creature could get her pregnant.

“You can’t, can you?” she thought.

“Not a chance, my darling. I’m not human.

“Don’t ‘darling’ me after what you did just now. How I managed not to give everything away I’ll never know.”

She reached down and pulled him out of her pussy, letting the accumulated jizz drip down into the toilet. She couldn’t help scooping some of it up on her fingertips and tasting it. Still sweet, but now with the added spice of her own juices added in.

As long as she was in the restroom, Diana took the time to pee, holding Irving up in front of her and contemplating his slightly shriveled form. “Do you need to pee?” She wondered.

“Only when I’m not attached. Like this, all of my wastes are transferred to your bladder and you pee for me. Maybe adds a quarter ounce of pee over a day.”

“Well, I can’t have you misbehaving at work, so from now on you stay home. And I’m going to claim I’m not feeling well and go home now. Tomorrow is Saturday. We’ll have the weekend to recover.”

In the morning, Diana drove to a secluded section of beach a few miles up the coast from her building. The place was popular with trans women who worked in the local porn industry, so she figured no one would even notice her sunbathing with a dick hanging from her crotch. She did wonder if she’d get any offers to do porn, since she now not only had a substantial cock, but also an actual pussy just below it. That had to be unique, she decided. At least, she’d never seen it, except in some old porn where the dick was obviously just glued on. Irving integrated himself to such a degree that, while he was detachable, he appeared to be fully natural.

Not that this stopped her from popping him off briefly and letting him climb inside her cunt. She could still feel the sensations in his cylindrical body as he slid in and out of her, his butt, for want of a better term, pressed down into the beach towel she was lying on while he fucked her. It was like having a living dildo, but one she could not only feel inside her, but could also feel what it felt.

She could even taste her own juices as he moved within them.

After they’d been going at it for a few minutes, she noticed they’d attracted an audience. Three sisters, a pair of nineteen-year-old twins and their eighteen-year-old sister, were watching, fascinated, while they masturbated in appreciation.

Diana found that she didn’t care. Her thoughts warned the symbiont that he’d likely be making the return trip, at least as far as the car, in her beach bag. The sisters hadn’t seen her detach him, thank God, so to them he’d just be some sort of intriguing mechanical dildo that took a bit of the physical effort out of masturbation.

Irving didn’t care, but warned her that he was close to cumming, and this time had stored up a fairly big load.

“Not to worry,” she thought. “They make dildos that cum.”

“Good,” Irving thought, “because that’s what I going to do right now.” And, so giving her a moment’s warning, that’s exactly what he did. His body convulsed, blasting a massive load of cum deep into her cunt, which was now contracting relentlessly while Diana found her body tensing and relaxing, over and over, to the delight of the three sisters.

“That is just the neatest thing,” the younger one said. “Where can I get one?”

“I’m afraid it’s the prototype,” Diana said. “Probably be out next year. We’re calling it the ‘Irving’ model.”


“Named after the designer.”

“We took a picture of you with that going at it,” one of the twins said. “We’ll send you a copy. Want one of us?”

Diana got out her camera. She didn’t use the one on her phone but had an old Hasselblad with a digital back. She had a friend who would make proper prints if she sent him the files. Beach pictures, she thought, should be black and white if the people were naked, which the sisters were.

Driving back from the beach, Diana wore a simple, cotton wrap-around dress. She didn’t bother with any underwear, so Irving climbed out of her beach bag, slipped under her dress, and reattached himself to her crotch. Diana sighed with sublime satisfaction as he did. The symbiont was becoming a normal part of her.


“Do you think we should do porn?” she wondered. “A girl with a cock and a pussy. That’s got to be unique, don’t you think?”

“Probably. There are a few others like me here, but they’re all living in boring parts of the country, where no one is going to admit they exist.

All in all, she was sure she wouldn’t be doing any porn. She had a good job that paid a lot more than her father had made after thirty years of working a skilled job at a steel mill, which was hardly a poverty occupation. He made more than a lot of lawyers, and she made more than he did. She had her CPA certification, and her only real connection with porn was doing the taxes of a couple of producers and quite a few actors.

The actors were blessed with muscular bodies from devoting most of their spare time to the gym, and enormous cocks, which apparently owed as much to surgery as to natural endowment. She didn’t find any of them attractive, and a couple of them came across as complete assholes.

Most of the girl pornstars she kept in good stead with the IRS were in their late teens, would do a few movies, and then quietly disappear back into normality after letting their hair go back to its normal color. Two of them were in it for the long haul, had built up significant portfolios, and now spent more of their time masturbating on streaming services than they did making videos.

“Dildos are less trouble than the guys,” one of them had told her. “In some cases, the dildos are also probably smarter.”

After swallowing a big mouthful of Irving’s tasty jizz, Diana put him down to rest on a cushion near her bed while she went to piss and brush her teeth. He was going to stay on his own for the night. She figured she needed the rest.

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