Lauren's Hot Blog

I’m not saying that getting email can be annoying. I enjoy that. It tells me that someone is actually paying attention. What’s annoying is when I get an email, reply to it, and the reply bounces. It’s even more annoying when I find out it’s bouncing at my server.  I had to get my IT guy to come over here on Labor Day to fix it. Something about something not being checked, or maybe it was something being checked when it shouldn’t be.

It probably tells you how much email I get that I’m just now noticing this. Most of what’s come in up to now has been administrative stuff that required a web response, not an email reply. Or it went through my IT guy’s email. I’m not really sure what I’d do without him when things get technical. Fortunately, he’s old and horny and easily bribed.  Yes, I know that sounds horrible and exploitative, but that’s only because you’ve never seen his cock.

Also, he plays the trumpet. Trumpet players can do amazing things with their tongues. So amazing. You wouldn’t believe how amazing. It’s so amazing.  Really, you should see how amazing… (Alright, Lauren, stop channeling that guy.)

Since one reason for having a website is to sell books, and another is to make any extra money that might be available from other sources, I’ve just added a Vibrators.com affiliate link. You know you need a new vibrator, so why not help me pay the rent and buy it from them. They’ve got a great selection.

I’m getting very close to finishing They All Cum at Carlisle’s. My brother, Sam, was visiting, and we’ve sent him back home with a nice little farewell orgy. I get to travel from Cleveland to New York by train, sharing a roomette with my friend, Julia. Those bunks are narrow, but it’s amazing what you can do in them, and the motion of the train really enhances the experience. And did you know that if you arrange your legs just right, two women can share a single bunk when each has her head at the opposite end of the bunk from the other? Ever so stimulating.

Also, my cousin Eve will be visiting from England in the last chapter. You remember her from Across the Pond, I’m sure. If you don’t, you should buy it and see what sort of mischief we get into.  Eve tends to pee when she cums, or maybe it’s the other way around, but she’s a lot of fun if you’re into that sort of thing. It’s even kinkier with a British accent.

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I’m presuming you noticed that you have to say how old you are now to get in here. That’s for purely practical reasons. For one thing, it lets me be a little more daring when I’m choosing pictures to accompany a post. Without any sort of age verification I was a little reluctant to show boobs, for example.

No, you won’t be seeing mine. Not my own, anyway. Any boobs you see will be mine in the sense that I paid for a license to use the picture. They’ll be my boobs from that perspective.  But they’ll never have been attached to my body.

Anyway, now that we have that out of the way, it’s time for an update. Writing continues on my latest book, They All Cum at Carlisle’s. It’s pretty close to finished now. Plotwise, it really is finished. I just need to add a few thousand words in the form of sex scenes. Those are always the most difficult to write because, really, how many ways can you say, “he stuck his dick in her pussy,” or “she sucked his cock,” or “they ate each other out?” Honestly, sex is a lot more fun to do than it is to write about.

I expect to send my 100th tweet sometime tomorrow. Or, possibly, today, depending on when I finish writing this. It’s already 11:20 here in New York, so tomorrow isn’t very far away. I’m having a lot of fun on Twitter. It’s a good place to plug my books. I don’t have that many followers yet, but I’m working on it. I find it interesting to see how many times a tweet is seen, and how many times it’s re-tweeted, or someone clicks on a link.

Re-tweets are rare, but, of course, I’m plugging books where the plot usually involves some guy screwing around with his sister, so not that many people are going to re-tweet those. It’s a bit like the holy roller relatives I mention in  a couple of my books, who may have caught their niece sucking a dick in a porno, but never tell anyone, because if they did, then the people they told would know they watch porn. Jesus wouldn’t like that, so they keep their mouths shut.

We used to get a lot of computer viruses, and we ultimately traced them to a relative who was spending most of his spare time on the Internet looking at porn. He claimed he was trying to find illegal stuff, so he could report it. I don’t think anyone believed him.

One tweet has been seen over 10,000 times without ever being re-tweeted. Even more annoying, that tweet’s link to the book it was plugging was clicked nearly 200 times, but as far as I can tell, no one bought a copy. It’s a really good book, too. It’s not a part of my “autobiography,” but it’s got a brother and sister going at it on a train, then having a minor orgy with two of their cousins when they get to the farm. A set of triplets (one boy, two girls) have some sexy fun down at the old swimming hole, with Mom getting in on the act a little later. And a hot girl plays with herself out by the pool for the benefit of a peeping Tom neighbor, then dragoons her brother into the act just to really drive the old fart next door over the edge. Not a bad haul for $3.99, really.

However, I’ve probably spent enough time fooling around here. I really do have a book to finish.

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I used to sell books on Amazon. I still do, under a different pen name, but what I write under that name is so wildly different from what I write under this name that never the twain shall associate.  The books I used to have on Amazon, which were under yet another pen name, used to bring in several hundred dollars a month. Then somebody at Amazon actually read them, decided they were too racy, and that was the end of that. They were moved to other markets, but honestly don’t do nearly as well without that broad reach.

These days, my raciest stuff goes to Lot’s Cave, where they don’t have a bit of trouble with siblings fooling around, parents getting way too close to their offspring–I mean, they named the place Lot’s Cave, didn’t they?–or characters who like to get each other wet, so to speak. You can also have boobs on the cover, which you couldn’t at Amazon.

I always got a kick out of the whole Lot episode, back when I was a teenager, and me and the other cheerleaders would get together for Bible study. The old guy screwed both of his daughters! We weren’t looking for inspiration in the Bible, we were looking for the dirty parts. We found them, too. Lot and his two daughters. Noticing that Abraham was married to his sister.  Song of Songs, which is really just a long ode in praise of kinky sex.

The difference between the two publishers is one of time. Amazon usually had the book available for sale within a few hours of uploading. Lot’s Cave often takes two or three weeks. That’s the difference between an essentially automated process and one where actual human beings take your submission and turn it into a book. Even if you’ve never sent anything to them, you can likely tell that Amazon’s ebook production process is automated by the number of errors you find in the books.

I’m waiting for two books to finish the process at Lot’s Cave right now. My Brother, the Porn Star is pure fiction, told from the viewpoint of a young woman just getting started in porn. The other is The Gods Are Horny, about an incestuous pack of pagan deities and how they were worshipped in an ancient, mythical culture. The rites involved a lot of sex, from the high priestess humping a phallic idol and the high priest worshipping that god’s sister by ejaculating on her idol, to ordinary worshippers giving thanks for their good fortune by receiving oral sex from beautiful young priestesses.

There’s also a demigod, creation myths, and a beautiful young woman gifted with eternal youth and life.

I’ve often wondered what it would be like if you could really live forever and not get old. What if you were physically 36 forever? There’d be problems with Social Security, I’m sure. You’d look too young, and the bureaucrats honestly do expect people to die, not just go on collecting for several hundred years.  The whole idea behind picking 65 as retirement age for Social Security was that most people would already be dead (remember, that age was set in Germany in the 19th century, not America in the 1930s).  If they’d adjusted the age for the same actuarial results, we wouldn’t be able to retire until we were about 83.

Now, while I’m waiting for those two books to be published, I’m keeping busy by writing another one, called They All Cum at Carlisle’s, about a summer I spent at a cute little adults-only nudist resort when I was thirty. There was a lot of sex in that place, and I certainly got my share of it.

I’ve also been working on my website, LaurenMilfinger.com, and lately we’re adding some affiliate links. They’re not as popular as they used to be, but the point here is to make money, and it all helps. So if you’re looking for a web host who will let you show naked pictures, there’s a link to one. Or if you’re the sort of guy who likes to play with himself on a web cam, click on a link and you’ll be taken somewhere you can do that. The one thing I don’t have is an Amazon affiliate link anywhere on the site. I’ve got an account, but it has my real real name on it, so I can’t use it on this site, and they only allow you to have one account.

I’ve been keeping my web guy, who has requested anonymity, fairly busy with all this stuff. Apparently these guys have some sort of ethical code that includes not working overtime just because your employer is willing to throw in a few blowjobs as an incentive. He’s maybe not as ethical as he’d like people to think. What can I say? I like sex.

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Still working on the member area, that is. The initial content is posted, so now it’s a matter of dealing with the hosting company and getting all the paperwork in order. The latest issue is that, because the photosets and videos are purchased from a broker, rather than stuff commissioned directly for the site, we have to come up with some extra paperwork we wouldn’t need if our site was directly cited on the model releases.

We not only have to prove the models are old enough, and consented to perform, but we have to prove we bought the right to use the pictures and videos on our site from the actual copyright holders.

Honestly, I’m all for this. Like any writer, I hate it when people pirate your work and distribute it without paying you. It’s just extra work handling the compliance. More so at the beginning, because this stuff comes one step at a time, while later you know what needs to be done, and can get everything compliant up front.

In between the web stuff, I’m getting closer and closer to finishing They All Cum at Carlisle’s, the latest installment in my so-called autobiography. If I ever finish all the installments, I may put everything together in a single volume. Or, I may not. Once this latest epic is completed and available for sale,  I’ll have six books sold at Lot’s Cave, and at whatever other sites they can get to carry them.

Those used to include some fairly mainstream sites, but most of those no longer carry “family” erotica.  That will mean three in the “autobiography” series, The Life of Lauren, Across the Pond, and They All Cum at Carlisle’s, and three in the general family/kinky erotica category, Freaky Farmers, My Brother, the Porn Star, and The Gods are Horny.

They’re getting the publishing backlog caught up at Lot’s Cave, so I’d expect those last two will be available shortly. There are other publishers who get your work out much faster, but those others rely entirely on the author for editing. It needs to be perfect before it’s uploaded. Lot’s Cave actually reads the book before they publish it, and they do much better cover designs than I’ve ever managed on my own. I happen to think I submit my books better edited than most–I did do that for quite a few years–but it’s still good to have at least one more set of eyes on the finished work.

I’m starting to feel like I’m beginning to make my presence felt on Twitter, too. (Why do I hear that in Billie Burke’s voice? “And Twitter, too.”) Ron Jeremy retweeted one of my tweets! There’s something I always greatly admired about that man, and I’m not talking about his intellect, which is rather impressive as well.

Naturally, to keep him working happily, I’ve been providing little bonuses to my web guy. He’s a horny old goat, and eight-inches is eight-inches, even if the owner is eligible for Social Security. Anyway, as old guys go, he’s fairly cute.

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I may be getting older, but I’m not slowing down. Two new books are in the production pipeline at Lot’s Cave, My Brother the Porn Star, and The Gods Are Horny, and another one, They All Cum at Carlisle’s, is nearly finished and should be ready to submit in a few days. The first tells the story of a brother and sister who go into the adult film industry together. Well, not together, but at the same time. She’s young, cute, and very uninhibited. He’s got a 16-inch cock.

Who says you have to be serious all the time?

The Gods are Horny is one of the more ambitious books. There’s a lot of family screwing, but hardly any involving human beings.  Rather, the book deals with the mythical Moronite pantheon, starting with the creation of the universe by a bored and lonely Father-God, Kolek, who essentially masturbates the universe into being. If you think that sounds strange, that’s pretty much how the Egyptians figured it worked.  When there’s a universe, but he’s still bored, he jerks off again and out pops a daughter, Kanzeki, fully grown. His immediate reaction is that this was quite painful. After that, since his “new” daughter is the only other god around, they get it on and start producing other gods and goddesses. Oroyna and Nalima are given the earth to look after, and they start producing more gods and goddesses. They’re a very fruitful, if somewhat inbred, family.

Oroyna being inclined to act like any other god who’s married to his sister, knocks up some human women, too. Notably one named Zara, who gives birth to Naloro, who we might think of as the Moronite Heracles. Zara gets eternal life and youth (or mid-30s, anyway) out of the deal. There’s a ton of sex in this one, a lot of it taking place in Oroyna and Nalima’s temple. Their services were a lot more fun than what I had to sit through when I was living at home.

They All Cum at Carlisle’s is more of my autobiography, about a summer at Carlisle’s Nature Resort. I taught a writing class during that summer, so the book includes some of the stories the students wrote for class. I was never quite sure if they were making this stuff up, or just writing about what they’d been up to since arriving. Except for one guy, who’d apparently read a few too many John Norman books when he was younger. His stuff was definitely made up, and might have explained why no one wanted to date him.

Well that and, it being a nudist camp, they’d seen him naked and may have wondered if they’d even be able to tell if he was in them.

You need to buy all of these once they’re out. You’ll enjoy them. And buy the already published ones, too!

LaurenMilfinger.com is just about finished. I’ve got my web guy uploading pictures to the member area as I’m writing this. Here’s a sample. It’s a very slow process, so it may be well into next week before everything is up. I think you’ll enjoy what I’ve picked. The first set is 116 pictures, has been uploading since around four o’clock, and still has about 20 images to go a bit over eight hours later. I don’t blame the host, I blame my ISP. Upload speeds just aren’t that great. I’m afraid I may have to bribe my web guy if I want him to stay until everything is uploaded. Fortunately, he’s easy to bribe. People always offer IT types money to do stuff, but what they really crave is oral. And for an older guys he’s got a very nice dick.

Why a member’s section? I like eating. Even when I was young I was hardly getting rich writing books. Not the mainstream ones that I won’t be mentioning here because, well, pen name, and not the dirty ones, which paid a lot of my bills back then. Used to be I’d get around $1500 for a racy novel as an outright sale to a paperback publisher. There were no continuing royalties, but I doubt any of them ever got a second printing, either. Now it’s all royalties, with no advances, and it might take several years for a book to earn that much. I’m doing all this publicity to speed that up, but the member’s section, with picture sets and videos, is more likely to create a continuing income.

Yes, you’re going to have to pay to visit. I know everyone is used to free porn, but the option is either free with loads of ads and viruses, or pay a little for fewer ads and safer downloads.

I’m also tweeting away as @LaurenMilfinger. Picking up a few followers, but since I refuse to cheat and buy followers, I suppose those will be arriving slowly as well. One of the things I’m trying to do is get other erotica writers to send me their stories and movies for review. I’ll put the reviews on my site, and any other site that will let me use this name. For instance, Amazon only lets you post reviews after you’ve bought at least $50 worth of merchandise from them. I buy that much every week, but my credit cards are naturally in my real real name, and not my literary real name, so they don’t know who Lauren is. Most of the erotica sellers who allow reviews aren’t so fussy.

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No, not my waistline. I’m expanding my web presence. I put LaurenMilfinger.com on the web last week, started this blog, and now I’ve added Twitter to the mix. You can follow me at http://www.twitter.com/laurenmilfinger, or @laurenmilfinger. It’s so cool to discover I could use my own name and not have to add any qualifiers! How often does that happen these days?

So, why am I tweeting and blogging and starting my own website? It’s called publicity. I’m an author. I write books, screenplays, short stories, even completely legitimate, not remotely sexy articles, essays, and what have you. The last of those mostly under a different name. The thing is, none of that pays very well. It used to pay a lot better, but that was before every character with a computer and access to the Internet decided he was going to get rich by selling a novel on Amazon. The flood of poorly-written books not only reflects on all the good ones, it makes them a lot harder to find. An online presence outside Amazon helps with visibility. It’s even more helpful when you’re not on Amazon. My erotica is published and sold by Lot’s Cave, because Amazon won’t list it.

I’ve got plans for the website. It’s there to plug my books, obviously, but the older I get, the more concerned I become with eventually being able to retire. I love writing, yet I’m fairly sure I don’t want to be spending ten hours a day in front of a computer when I’m 84. So I’ll be including other features. Book reviews are an obvious addition. And there will be a member’s section, once the technical part is worked out. We have to get hooked up with a payment processor, and set up a gallery. We’ll have pictures in there, because I do appreciate beauty and I find naked women particularly beautiful. There will likely be story fragments. Those hot, sensual bits that for some reason or other either didn’t make it into a book, or were going to be a book but just didn’t come together. You don’t need a plot to write a sex scene, but you do need one to make it into a novel.

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It’s surprising how often someone asks me, “Why do you have so many twins in your stories?” Well, why do so many others who write erotica fill their stories with twins? I write a lot of stories about people on farms, or in the country, but it’s the twins they ask about.

One reason to have them is age. Twin siblings means they can both be as young as the rules allow. Anybody having sex in a contemporary erotic story has to be at least eighteen. That has nothing to do with law. There have been any number of court rulings holding that it’s legal for underage people to have sex in stories as long as they don’t actually exist. What applies to photographs of actual people does not apply to literary depictions of fictional ones. Not in the United States, at least. Canada may be another matter.

But, for the most part, no one will publish stories with underage participants, because so many people think it’s illegal. Publisher prefer to err on the side of caution. The smaller houses that publish most erotica, at least. The big trade publishers, of course, go right ahead and reprint Lolita and publish new books where Dad is getting it on with his junior high age daughter, but those are significant books, so apparently that’s okay. I happen to think what I write is significant.

Well, my stories all have plots, which isn’t always the case in this genre. My books are a bit like 1970s porn movies. You may have to go through some exposition between the screwing, but they’re really more entertaining as a result.

In any case, if you write “family” erotica, a set of eighteen-year-old fraternal twins, a brother and sister, are perfect. The “big” sibling is only a few minutes older, just enough to throw in a little humor. Twin girls form one of the more enduring male fantasies. Not only does the lucky guy get to have sex with a beautiful woman, but he gets to do it with two of them, and they look just alike. Guys like stereo, it seems. Julie Will sends a set of gorgeous redhead twins on a sexual rampage through a nudist camp in “The Twins at Camp,” a novella in the collection It’s All Relative, a favorite of mine The book I’m working on now, They All Cum at Carlisle’s, has two sets of twins, brother-sister, and sister-sister.

Erotica deals in fantasy. In that aspect, it’s no different than reading Regency romance, or medieval fantasy. You wouldn’t really want to do those things, or live in those remarkably unhealthy times, but it’s a lot of fun to read about it.

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