Still Working

Still working on the member area, that is. The initial content is posted, so now it’s a matter of dealing with the hosting company and getting all the paperwork in order. The latest issue is that, because the photosets and videos are purchased from a broker, rather than stuff commissioned directly for the site, we have to come up with some extra paperwork we wouldn’t need if our site was directly cited on the model releases.

If you want to see what she’s looking at, you’ll have to visit our member section once it’s up and running.

We not only have to prove the models are old enough, and consented to perform, but we have to prove we bought the right to use the pictures and videos on our site from the actual copyright holders.

Honestly, I’m all for this. Like any writer, I hate it when people pirate your work and distribute it without paying you. It’s just extra work handling the compliance. More so at the beginning, because this stuff comes one step at a time, while later you know what needs to be done, and can get everything compliant up front.

In between the web stuff, I’m getting closer and closer to finishing They All Cum at Carlisle’s, the latest installment in my so-called autobiography. If I ever finish all the installments, I may put everything together in a single volume. Or, I may not. Once this latest epic is completed and available for sale,  I’ll have six books sold at Lot’s Cave, and at whatever other sites they can get to carry them.

You absolutely have to read this, and the rest of my “autobiography.” What a kinky life it’s been.

Those used to include some fairly mainstream sites, but most of those no longer carry “family” erotica.  That will mean three in the “autobiography” series, The Life of Lauren, Across the Pond, and They All Cum at Carlisle’s, and three in the general family/kinky erotica category, Freaky Farmers, My Brother, the Porn Star, and The Gods are Horny.

They’re getting the publishing backlog caught up at Lot’s Cave, so I’d expect those last two will be available shortly. There are other publishers who get your work out much faster, but those others rely entirely on the author for editing. It needs to be perfect before it’s uploaded. Lot’s Cave actually reads the book before they publish it, and they do much better cover designs than I’ve ever managed on my own. I happen to think I submit my books better edited than most–I did do that for quite a few years–but it’s still good to have at least one more set of eyes on the finished work.

I’m starting to feel like I’m beginning to make my presence felt on Twitter, too. (Why do I hear that in Billie Burke’s voice? “And Twitter, too.”) Ron Jeremy retweeted one of my tweets! There’s something I always greatly admired about that man, and I’m not talking about his intellect, which is rather impressive as well.

Naturally, to keep him working happily, I’ve been providing little bonuses to my web guy. He’s a horny old goat, and eight-inches is eight-inches, even if the owner is eligible for Social Security. Anyway, as old guys go, he’s fairly cute.

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The Joys of the Digital World

My website is essentially finished. Once the last three books are published I’ll be adding proper cover photos and purchase links, and the member area will obviously be adding new photo sets and videos as often as possible, but, for the most part, the site is there.

Naturally, when I say “the last three books,” I mean the last three that are currently listed on the site. Obviously, as I write more, they’ll be added. I’m not even remotely close to the point where I’ll stop writing.

It was quite a job while it was going on.

Okay, obviously this isn’t me, but that is more or less the way I like to dress when I’m at home.

My web guy, who prefers to remain anonymous, had to practically move into my apartment while he was building the site for me. I’m afraid I may have been a bit of a taskmistress during the process, keeping him at it well beyond the limits of an eight-hour day. I’m not cruel, mind you. I kept him fed, brought out the good booze, and tried to encourage him by spending as much time as possible wandering around my apartment suitably undressed. I may not be 19 any more, but I still have that 36-24-35 figure and hardly any sagging. Not too bad for a 52-year-old broad, really. I could pass for ten years younger.

Anyway, I discovered my web guy, who is a few years older than me, isn’t merely an old man who knows computers and the Internet. He’s an old man who knows computers and the Internet who owns an eight-inch cock. Keeping him working was, as it’s said, my pleasure. Old guys often take a lot longer to finish, but somehow I don’t see that as a problem.

One of the sexy models who will appear in our member section.

With any luck, we may have the member section ready to open later today. This will be, honestly, about what you’d expect. We’ll have photo sets with hot models, and videos. At some point we may also bring in some cam girls, if I can find some who want to get in on the fun. Member area visitors will need to pay if they want to download anything, naturally, and they have to be eighteen or older.  We’ve been uploading content for the last several days, and it’s been a royal pain. My ISP isn’t the fastest in the world.

Anyway, keep checking back. I’m working on completing They All Cum at Carlisle’s, and tweeting away whenever the mood strikes. I’m going to try doing more topical tweets, too, and not just book plugs. The current political situation is certainly ripe for comment. I love making fun of idiots, and I really dislike people who want to boss everyone around. Bullies are bad people. Most grow up, but some never do.

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There Will be More

I may be getting older, but I’m not slowing down. Two new books are in the production pipeline at Lot’s Cave, My Brother the Porn Star, and The Gods Are Horny, and another one, They All Cum at Carlisle’s, is nearly finished and should be ready to submit in a few days. The first tells the story of a brother and sister who go into the adult film industry together. Well, not together, but at the same time. She’s young, cute, and very uninhibited. He’s got a 16-inch cock.

Who says you have to be serious all the time?

The Gods are Horny is one of the more ambitious books. There’s a lot of family screwing, but hardly any involving human beings.  Rather, the book deals with the mythical Moronite pantheon, starting with the creation of the universe by a bored and lonely Father-God, Kolek, who essentially masturbates the universe into being. If you think that sounds strange, that’s pretty much how the Egyptians figured it worked.  When there’s a universe, but he’s still bored, he jerks off again and out pops a daughter, Kanzeki, fully grown. His immediate reaction is that this was quite painful. After that, since his “new” daughter is the only other god around, they get it on and start producing other gods and goddesses. Oroyna and Nalima are given the earth to look after, and they start producing more gods and goddesses. They’re a very fruitful, if somewhat inbred, family.

Oroyna being inclined to act like any other god who’s married to his sister, knocks up some human women, too. Notably one named Zara, who gives birth to Naloro, who we might think of as the Moronite Heracles. Zara gets eternal life and youth (or mid-30s, anyway) out of the deal. There’s a ton of sex in this one, a lot of it taking place in Oroyna and Nalima’s temple. Their services were a lot more fun than what I had to sit through when I was living at home.

They All Cum at Carlisle’s is more of my autobiography, about a summer at Carlisle’s Nature Resort. I taught a writing class during that summer, so the book includes some of the stories the students wrote for class. I was never quite sure if they were making this stuff up, or just writing about what they’d been up to since arriving. Except for one guy, who’d apparently read a few too many John Norman books when he was younger. His stuff was definitely made up, and might have explained why no one wanted to date him.

Well that and, it being a nudist camp, they’d seen him naked and may have wondered if they’d even be able to tell if he was in them.

You need to buy all of these once they’re out. You’ll enjoy them. And buy the already published ones, too! is just about finished. I’ve got my web guy uploading pictures to the member area as I’m writing this. Here’s a sample. It’s a very slow process, so it may be well into next week before everything is up. I think you’ll enjoy what I’ve picked. The first set is 116 pictures, has been uploading since around four o’clock, and still has about 20 images to go a bit over eight hours later. I don’t blame the host, I blame my ISP. Upload speeds just aren’t that great. I’m afraid I may have to bribe my web guy if I want him to stay until everything is uploaded. Fortunately, he’s easy to bribe. People always offer IT types money to do stuff, but what they really crave is oral. And for an older guys he’s got a very nice dick.

Why a member’s section? I like eating. Even when I was young I was hardly getting rich writing books. Not the mainstream ones that I won’t be mentioning here because, well, pen name, and not the dirty ones, which paid a lot of my bills back then. Used to be I’d get around $1500 for a racy novel as an outright sale to a paperback publisher. There were no continuing royalties, but I doubt any of them ever got a second printing, either. Now it’s all royalties, with no advances, and it might take several years for a book to earn that much. I’m doing all this publicity to speed that up, but the member’s section, with picture sets and videos, is more likely to create a continuing income.

Yes, you’re going to have to pay to visit. I know everyone is used to free porn, but the option is either free with loads of ads and viruses, or pay a little for fewer ads and safer downloads.

I’m also tweeting away as @LaurenMilfinger. Picking up a few followers, but since I refuse to cheat and buy followers, I suppose those will be arriving slowly as well. One of the things I’m trying to do is get other erotica writers to send me their stories and movies for review. I’ll put the reviews on my site, and any other site that will let me use this name. For instance, Amazon only lets you post reviews after you’ve bought at least $50 worth of merchandise from them. I buy that much every week, but my credit cards are naturally in my real real name, and not my literary real name, so they don’t know who Lauren is. Most of the erotica sellers who allow reviews aren’t so fussy.

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I’m Expanding

No, not my waistline. I’m expanding my web presence. I put on the web last week, started this blog, and now I’ve added Twitter to the mix. You can follow me at, or @laurenmilfinger. It’s so cool to discover I could use my own name and not have to add any qualifiers! How often does that happen these days?

So, why am I tweeting and blogging and starting my own website? It’s called publicity. I’m an author. I write books, screenplays, short stories, even completely legitimate, not remotely sexy articles, essays, and what have you. The last of those mostly under a different name. The thing is, none of that pays very well. It used to pay a lot better, but that was before every character with a computer and access to the Internet decided he was going to get rich by selling a novel on Amazon. The flood of poorly-written books not only reflects on all the good ones, it makes them a lot harder to find. An online presence outside Amazon helps with visibility. It’s even more helpful when you’re not on Amazon. My erotica is published and sold by Lot’s Cave, because Amazon won’t list it.

I’ve got plans for the website. It’s there to plug my books, obviously, but the older I get, the more concerned I become with eventually being able to retire. I love writing, yet I’m fairly sure I don’t want to be spending ten hours a day in front of a computer when I’m 84. So I’ll be including other features. Book reviews are an obvious addition. And there will be a member’s section, once the technical part is worked out. We have to get hooked up with a payment processor, and set up a gallery. We’ll have pictures in there, because I do appreciate beauty and I find naked women particularly beautiful. There will likely be story fragments. Those hot, sensual bits that for some reason or other either didn’t make it into a book, or were going to be a book but just didn’t come together. You don’t need a plot to write a sex scene, but you do need one to make it into a novel.

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Why Twins?

It’s surprising how often someone asks me, “Why do you have so many twins in your stories?” Well, why do so many others who write erotica fill their stories with twins? I write a lot of stories about people on farms, or in the country, but it’s the twins they ask about.

Freaky Farmers cover imageOne reason to have them is age. Twin siblings means they can both be as young as the rules allow. Anybody having sex in a contemporary erotic story has to be at least eighteen. That has nothing to do with law. There have been any number of court rulings holding that it’s legal for underage people to have sex in stories as long as they don’t actually exist. What applies to photographs of actual people does not apply to literary depictions of fictional ones. Not in the United States, at least. Canada may be another matter.

But, for the most part, no one will publish stories with underage participants, because so many people think it’s illegal. Publisher prefer to err on the side of caution. The smaller houses that publish most erotica, at least. The big trade publishers, of course, go right ahead and reprint Lolita and publish new books where Dad is getting it on with his junior high age daughter, but those are significant books, so apparently that’s okay. I happen to think what I write is significant.

Well, my stories all have plots, which isn’t always the case in this genre. My books are a bit like 1970s porn movies. You may have to go through some exposition between the screwing, but they’re really more entertaining as a result.

It's All Relative coverIn any case, if you write “family” erotica, a set of eighteen-year-old fraternal twins, a brother and sister, are perfect. The “big” sibling is only a few minutes older, just enough to throw in a little humor. Twin girls form one of the more enduring male fantasies. Not only does the lucky guy get to have sex with a beautiful woman, but he gets to do it with two of them, and they look just alike. Guys like stereo, it seems. Julie Will sends a set of gorgeous redhead twins on a sexual rampage through a nudist camp in “The Twins at Camp,” a novella in the collection It’s All Relative, a favorite of mine The book I’m working on now, They All Cum at Carlisle’s, has two sets of twins, brother-sister, and sister-sister.

Erotica deals in fantasy. In that aspect, it’s no different than reading Regency romance, or medieval fantasy. You wouldn’t really want to do those things, or live in those remarkably unhealthy times, but it’s a lot of fun to read about it.

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Getting Started

I’ve spent most of the last week working with a friend on getting on line. I don’t claim to be tech savvy, but he can do that sort of thing without too much effort. He claims it used to be a lot harder, back in the “old days,” when he apparently used to put together websites on Notepad, instead of the specialized site-building software he uses now. From my point of view, it still looked pretty hard, but I guess in the old days you couldn’t even see what it was going to look like as you built it.

I need to thank my erotica publisher, Lot’s Cave, who were kind enough to let me have book cover images and other graphics from my books, and from a few others that I’ve read and enjoyed. If you’re into “forbidden” erotica, they’re a great place to find it. They don’t publish anything illegal, of course, though I suppose there are people who think differently. And you do need to be at least 18 to shop there. And no, that’s not me in the cover photo. I did look a little like that 30 years ago, though.

I thought I’d use this first post to plug my books. It looks as if the world isn’t going to let me do anything that mundane. Of course, I wasn’t expecting a Nazi rally in Virginia, or somebody driving his car into a crowd of counter-protesters and killing one of them, either. I also wasn’t expecting our President to comment on it by essentially saying, “this was terrible, but both sides are to blame, and wow, how about the employment figures! Aren’t they great!”

Some messages back and forth to my web designer brought some of it out. We were trying to figure out if there was any actual difference between alt-right and Nazi. We concluded that there was. One of them has a hyphen in it.

I’m obviously a white American. My family was here long before 1776. I had family fighting in the Revolution, in the War of 1812, on the northern side in the Civil War, in the Spanish American War, and in both World Wars and Korea. I think that lets me speak with a little authority about what being a “real” American means. To my way of thinking, it doesn’t mean anything that those idiots in Virginia were saying. The country is already great, and I hope people won’t stand still while fearless leader tries to bring that greatness to an end and force a business model in its place. You can’t run a country like a business. If you try, you end up with Germany in 1938. Businesses are dictatorships, every one of them. That’s the only way businessmen know how to do things, and it explains a lot about Trump.

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